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Dr. Carleah East is a clinical psychotherapist, empowerment coach, speaker, and author with 20+ years experience. She has a “straight no chaser” philosophy; real solutions for real struggles, and she does it all with a mixture of love and humor.
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My purity is something that is very important to me but I’ve struggled to find someone that understands this aspect of my life… What advice can you give me so I don’t give in or be so hard on myself?
First of all, your purity is a representation if the type of woman you are and anyone that wants to be a part of your world has to respect that. Just because we live in an over sexualized society doesn’t mean that has to be your norm. However, it does place a challenge in your path. Because society in general is over sexed, most of us are operating at a higher level of arousal than previously. We are being triggered more often by sexual connotations. Therefore, without even trying, we began to crave sexual intimacy. A craving is an overwhelming emotional experience that takes over your body and produces a unique motivator of wanting. Now, based upon our DNA we are designed to mate, but the action of merging can be controlled.
Here are few tips.
#1 – Avoid Sticky Situations: avoid certain places or activities to limit your exposure to temptations. Don’t put yourself in places that will compromise your standards. This may mean clear boundaries about sleeping over or separate beds when traveling.
#2 – 15min Rule: When those sexual cravings arise take a time-out. This allows your body to reset itself and gives your brain time to process your emotions and calm sensations.
#3 – Reframe: use strategies that modify how they view or value tempting stimuli. It’s important to understand that it’s totally natural to feel sexually aroused by another person, so don’t feel guilty about it, but be honest and clear about your personal boundaries and make sure you are not semi-breaking your own rules. ie: teasing and attention seeking
To you Dr. East, what are some red flags should I be cautious with?
Please give me some more specifics. Are you asking about cheating red flags, potential abuse red flags, financial instability? As you can see there are plenty of red flag scenarios. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
I just got out of a four-year relationship. When is too soon to date again or how much time should I give myself before I try dating again?
Deciding on when to start dating again is a very individualized choice. I honestly feel it has nothing to do with how long you have been together or how long it has been since you broke up, but more about the process of healing from those previous relationship wounds. Some women began the process of healing after the relationship ends, while others began that healing process before the relationship is officially over.
When making the choice to date again, you have to be honest with yourself about the hurts you have experienced and whether or not you have worked through them and are ready to trust again. Are you open to the new experiences? Here are some quick signs to consider when deciding if you are ready to start dating.
- You constantly compare everyone to your ex
- You feel like you NEED to be dating someone
- You change yourself to be what you think the other person wants
- You’ve lost yourself
If you have answered yes or maybe to any of the above, I would take the time to work through those emotions and become more complete. If you answered No, then go get’em girl!….with class.