Dear Troy,


What do you do when you are newly married, you’re 29/30yrs old, and your husband is 34/35, and he is reluctant to address issues with ED?

How do you maintain your marriage and improve sexual intimacy when your partner isn’t willing to address the health issues to meet your sexual needs and desires?



Ms. Elevator


Hey Ms. Elevator!

Let me just start by saying this is more common than you could imagine; you are not alone. So many times when we hear that there’s a sexual issue with a couple, we think maybe the woman isn’t putting out or is not in the mood, but through my almost 20 years of talking to 1000’s of people, and also the success of Viagra and Cialis, we realize that many men have dealt with erectile dysfunction. Be it because of significant health issues, obesity, lack of stamina… the list goes on.

The problem I have is that your husband is not willing to address his erectile dysfunction issues. Especially with all the advances in health and medicine now, there is just no reason to walk around limp-dick-ded (I’m sure that’s a word – maybe.) Now, I do recognize that this is more embarrassing to deal with for some men than a teenager buying condoms from CVS… shit… a grown man buying condoms from CVS, but when you find the love of your life, isn’t it worth it to please them?

However, when our partner has a sexual health issue or hang-up about even doing something sexually, we want to continually create a safe place for our mates to feel comfortable. We want them to feel comfortable having the conversation, getting help, and doing what they can to strengthen this area. I’ve talked to folks over the years that even though they couldn’t have sexual intercourse for medical reasons, they always found other ways to please their mate.

Shit, I have a friend who is a happily married quadriplegic, but he always brags about how his oral sex game is unmatched, and his wife agrees. So as the adage goes, where’s there’s a pill – I MEAN WILL, there’s a way! What bothers me, once again, is that you used the term UNWILLING. Once one of you stops wanting to do the work to make it better, it’s dangerous and very shaky ground in a relationship. This is when it’s best to reach out to counselors and therapists. If the mate still doesn’t want to change, and you are letting them know that sexual intimacy is a need you have in your relationship, in my opinion, you have three choices.

  1. Stay in the Marriage and just settle with not being pleased by your husband – This is a popular Go-To with married couples who have kids, possessions, businesses and other things together, and they just don’t want to go through the hassle of splitting up. This is where multiple vibrators may come in handy.
  3. Get a Divorce and move on – Sadly, when a person expresses that they don’t care about your needs and are not trying to please you at all… love yourself enough to go.
  5. Ummm Honey, can I have a Boy or Girl Sex/Fuck Buddy?? – I know some people are saying, NO, HE DIDN’T… grow up y’all!! I told y’all I talk to everyone right…and that nothing is taboo. I mention this because I know women and men who would never leave their mate and either stepped out secretly to fulfill their needs or just literally and blatantly got APPROVAL from their spouse. It happens!

Bottom line Ms. Elevator, if you two have exhausted all options, been to therapy, and from what you’re saying, your husband is showing no interest in pleasing you in one of the main reasons we get married… FOR SEX WITH A SPOUSE who is with and for you, why stay? If this is a deal-breaker, don’t prolong it. If it’s not a deal-breaker, consider choices 1 & 3. As we learn every day, life is precious, don’t waste time with someone who just doesn’t know how to say that he’s done with you.

I hope this helps a bit,

Until Next Time,

God Bless, One Love