Have you ever thought that you were as refreshing and good as lemonade, and you were as sour as a lemon? I laughed as I typed that because often, we do not get to see our true colors. We create images of ourselves thinking that we are remarkable. I am so guilty of this.
Just recently, I was sorting through the laundry of my life and I was separating the darkness from the light. The light is the things we want people to see. It is the things that we become most proud of, the image we want to portray; and we convince ourselves that this is who I am. The darkness is those behind closed doors moments that we keep hidden, the guilt, and shame that we keep buried. If people really knew who I was they would think differently, or maybe they would accept you because they are flawed and have been through it.
I had the pleasure to speak at an amazing women’s conference called Basking in His Glory. It was a haven where women were able to talk and shed light on the things that have hurt us. Those hidden places that was once deeply rooted. One thing that I have learned is to heal, I have to shed light on the darkness and acknowledge my pain. I like many others, lived a life filled with shame and regrets. I remember when I was a little girl and my dad slapped me without reason. He just came home and decided I would be his punching bag. And I carried that pain for so many years. For an awfully long time, I wondered why my mom did not stand up for me; and why did it happen?
After speaking at the conference, I realized how many women were suffering just like me. So many women have a story and are not able to speak. So many women suffer in silence in fear of losing their job and the things that they have worked so hard to build. When I entered the workforce, I was told to tough it out, I needed to have thick skin, and I had to learn to deal with whatever challenges that I faced because things would change eventually. Does change really happen? Do we really get over it? I was told FORGIVENESS IS FREEING, FORGIVENESS IS FREE, AND FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU. I finally felt like I reached a point of healing. It took years, to get over the pain, hurt, and anger of dealing with systemic racism and nepotism in the workplace. I, like so many others, worked so hard to get ahead. I worked twice as hard to get half as far.
Growing up, my family did not have a lot. It is one thing to be told to dream big, reach for the stars, and never give up. Then someone else says you are not worthy enough. They take away your dream, make sure that their family or the people that look like them is the only one that deserves to get ahead.
Eventually, I felt like I was over it and I had put it all behind. I started my own business and created a safe space for myself. I put so much effort into growing my business; I kept creating, but things was not working the way I knew it could have. Then one day, I realized that there was still something lingering. I looked in the mirror and saw something ugly. I realized, I found comfort in knowing that someday the people that hurt me would eventually get their payback. In my mind, I kept telling myself that the people that have wronged me would be visited by Karma. I found peace knowing that one day the people that hurt me would eventually get hurt. Yes, hurt people hurt other people. People think when you are spewing all out of control with emotions flying everywhere that is an example of someone that is hurt. The moment I wished to see someone else fall, showed me that I was still hurting.
I cannot walk into a promise future holding on to past pain. And that is the moment, I realized that I had to let it go. Awaiting the fall of someone else was holding me back from seeing what was ahead of me. Why stay in a place that is not healthy or allow me to push and become the best me? I had to let go so that I could see more of what is to come in my future.