Emotions: Anger, frustration, sadness and confusion are just a few words to convey the disbelief I have after surviving a domestic violence relationship. Not to mention the common question that kept popping up in my head is “Why? Why did this happen to me?” As, many of us women who deal with abuse we have so many unanswered questions, but for sure we can all relate to the guilt and the shame that comes with the abuse, the comments from others admonishing that women should make better choices. And while I agree that learning to love ourselves inside and out is important it doesn’t account for the patriarchy that women must endure.

The most dangerous time to leave a domestic violence relationship is when you wake up and choose yourself by understanding, that your love will never be enough to heal a broken man. At a young age I saw my mother and grandmother being abused, I swore that I wouldn’t let their story become my own, but it did. 

In black communities’ women, will suffer in silence instead of speaking out. While no one ever really blames the abusers but faults the abused women low self-esteem as an issue it doesn’t address the misogynistic attitudes towards women.

Even though according to The National Library of Medicine “Approximately 62% of black males have directly experienced a traumatic event in their lifetime, 72% witnessed a traumatic events, and 59% have learned of a traumatic event involving a friend or family member.” 

My abuser was abandoned by his mother, had to live in foster care, separated from his siblings, and at a later age he went to live with family members who he felt didn’t even want him and while he never really got full closure when it came to the relationship with his mother because she was sadly murdered. I found myself in a relationship that led me to trying to help him heal. I wanted him to see and experience real love, I wanted to be his peace, but because of his pain, his anger, and his trauma he became my storm.

We as women have to know that “IT’S OK”, and that we don’t have to be ashamed or feel like we were being punished by God, that we deserved the things that happened to us, because the truth of the matter is no one deserves to be abused. The national center of crime points out that black women are 2.5 times likely to be murder due to domestic violence. This alone should continue to sound the alarm that black women need better options, that we need more options than people telling us we need to love ourselves, or to pray about it. We need our abusers to be held accountable, we need our black men to have better access to mental health and for them not to feel shame when trying to seek help. We need to advocate change in order to see results.