No one tells you that as you get older you will lose the desire to have sex. I found myself in such a deep and intimate discussion with a few of my girlfriends the other day. What was meant to be a girl laugh get together time to catch up with each other was more than I expected. Hoping their partner would not ask them to have sex was the topic. Sure, they love their partner and know the important role sex has in the relationship. However, it is something they have no desire for and they all struggle with those feelings of emptiness and loss of passion and desire.
Talk about shocked, I was at a loss on what to say. I mean what woman from time to time does not feel like having sex? But this was different. It was not about being in the mood, but a complete loss of any sexual desire—something totally shocking to me. I have found myself in this position many times and just thought I was not in the mood. Now to realize that it may be something serious, and no one seems to talk about.
“It’s painful,” they said. Not to mention the mental toll it has on their spouses and partners. “They feel I’ve fallen out of love with them.” What is a relationship without everything that goes along with it including sex?” they said. “I would rather he found someone on the side, because I am not interested,” another said. “I’ve lost the desire to have sex, but I love my partner,” they all said.
Is this the effect of perimenopause, I asked? I wanted to know. No, I needed to know because I too feel this way at times, but not as extreme. I was concerned for them, wanting to know if they had talked to their doctor about what they could do to change it. Many of them were too ashamed to say anything. One felt maybe she just was not into her husband like she used to be and that the interest to have sex with him was over. It has taken a toll on their relationships in more ways than they can count.
What I have learned while talking to them about such an intimate and sensitive subject is if this lack of desire is unchecked, rejection takes over the relationship. This is not something that all women go through, but enough deal with this issue to make it a true concern. It can change your relationship to the extent that you find yourself alone. What you may be dealing with is so much bigger than sex. Pretending your loss of libido will go away or that your partner will not want to be intimate with you is not reason enough to stay silent.
There was nothing wrong with the ladies other than a loss of libido, which can be brought on by many reasons. However, if you don’t know that, you will think it has to do with how you feel about your partner or worse interpret it as no longer being in love. When you have been in your relationship for a long time, you should be able to talk about anything. Strong relationships are built on communication, honesty, and respect—a few things I talk about in my recently book release, “Amazing Relationship Practices.”
Knowing how your partner feels about your lack of interest for them is crucial. Are you communicating your needs correctly? Do you understand the needs of your relationship? This is especially important when something as sensitive and crucial as a loss of sexual desire or libido is taking over the relationship. If this is something you are going through, talk it over with your primary care physician and your partner. It does not have to be the ending of your relationship. Know that whatever you are going through, you can get through it together.
For years I suffered with low libido after my son was born and thought it had to do with how I felt about my husband. Only to discover that I suffered with a pituitary tumor, and one of the side effects was low to no libido. We worked through it together and medically. We are stronger because of it, and I was so relieved when I realized I was not out of love but that I was suffering from a medical condition that caused me to feel that way. My husband and I have been together for over thirty years. I shared my story with my girlfriends to let them know that they were not alone. You are not alone..
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